I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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