her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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