I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
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I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
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