So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
