Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize