U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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