Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
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I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
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Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!