i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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