Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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