it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.