It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
