i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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