I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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