He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I AM VODKA MAN
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
