I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
