I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
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