Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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