I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
