just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
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Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.