she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
