he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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