I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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