I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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