lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
