I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
