Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I AM VODKA MAN
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
