woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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