i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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