I wish I could teleport
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
