I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I need a burrito and a hug.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
