i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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