now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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