$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
