At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
