my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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