Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
