i wish my penis had a tongue
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
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Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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