I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
