A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
