Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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