new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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