im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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