I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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