I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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