Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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