Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
