Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
