I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
