last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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