I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
