I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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