WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
