he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
