I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
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He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
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You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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