I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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